another supposedly happy day which turned out rather bad.
it's back.
back to haunt me.
the things i want not to remember.
the truth i want not to accept.
the courage i still lack to face it.
the dilema im still struggling with.
why.
why hv things turned out this way?
despite all the efforts put in.
and the hard work in keeping it going.
the question comes back yet again.
drifting into my blank mind every now and then.
me, trying to push the thought away.
thinking that i can live in deception.
a dream that i have to awake from.
a dream that seemed so real.
a dream that i nv wanted it to end.
but it seems like there's not much of a choice now,
have i?
okay.
except for that ONE solution.
but i ask myself.
would i be happy doing that just to keep it going?
is that what im seeking ultimately?
there's not much of a choice now.
nothing i do would make a difference.
it will still end so tragically.
it's either now or later.
unless i choose that path.
to let my misery end here or to just drag it through the remaining days?
or to take a risk again.
not knowing whether i'll be able to accept the change.
not knowing whether i'll be happy like this.
not knowing whether things would turn out the way we wanted.
so many uncertainties.
too many.
i dont even dare to believe in them anymore.
hopes.
dreams.
now i realise,
it doesnt exist.
and that'll be wad life is all about.

not knowing which step to take next.
i just lie here waiting aimlessly.
still hoping for a miracle.
maybe all these should have just been a really sweet dream...